the way people look

its Friday night. School of Community night. Nine of us were gathered around the table, some veterans of the friday night readings and discussions, some new-comers bringing fresh, sometimes innocently-off-base additions to the conversation, and of course Alina, Mathilde and I (Fr. Clemens is on a trip in Poland, and Fr. Jacques in India). This week's text was one written by the founder of Heart's Home, Fr. Thierry de Roucy, entitled "No Friendship without the 'I'". In essence it was an argument for the necessity of embracing the being of oneself, one's wishes, desires, preferences, weaknesses, struggles, strengths, every minute detail encompassing one's I, and BEING this I, completely living as this "I" in order to live deep, genuine relationships and friendships. One must continually see himself as united to the Holy Spirit, as standing as Himself before the loving eyes of God in order to first accept himself in all he is, and to act of himself and present himself to others in freedom and love. Viewing oneself, the "I", as united to the Holy Spirit and every standing before the feet of God the Father ensures humility and love which grant freedom to the person to live fully his being in relation to himself and others and thus give himself authentically in friendship. 

Yes, it was a very interesting reading and even more interesting discussion, but it didn't all really sink in until after the reading, discussion, and dinner together when I found myself in my room talking with a friend of ours on the little couch stuffed oddly in our room between the collapsing armoire and the foot of my bed. Its been a really difficult couple of months for her, and we spent an hour or so discussing some of the difficulties she is facing right now particularly in a relationship with someone she loves very dearly. We talked and talked in circles--the heart being something difficult to convey to another, feelings always needing to be further elaborated and explained as only women know how to do for hours. I don't need to expand on the details. 

Then there came that moment, her lip quivered a little as her chin tried to find the right resting place in order to secure her jaw and hold her strength against the rising emotion in her throat. Her eyes got a little red and dewy at the corners and she kept looking away. She tried to keep explaining her thought, while continuously interrupting herself with the pursing of her lips. This is what she looks like when she tries to hold back tears. I had never seen her before. The her that tried to be strong in the middle of immense pain. A very authentic "her". 

She looked at me and I looked at her and I knew that I felt both sincere compassion for her, as well as sincere gratitude. And so are most of the moments I have come to live in the past 13 months--bittersweet. The bitterness arising out of the pain which the other allows you to share with them, the stinging of the eyes that just want to cry and release the pressure, the temptation to despair in sight of the lack of clarity, lack of love, lack of strength. The sweetness from the immense gratitude arising in my heart as I let myself be allowed in these moments with our friends. When they let me be in the presence of their "I". When they are free, because they know that they are loved. When it is a friendship that was completely given, not won over or earned. 

That is what I learned in school tonight. Children are perfect examples of our innocence, or simple "I"-ness. As children we are who we are, we say what we think, we do what we want to, what we reason is right. And then we begin to grow up, fill in molds, listen to the do's and don'ts and somehow along the way layer on the masks and masks over our genuine selves that we need in order to make sure we are pleasing the most people we can at one given time. We make ourselves fit into the nice little boxes other people set out for us, and in the mean time forget what it means to be ourselves. We are so busy looking at others that we forget to be us. Why? I believe it all goes back to love. Our purest, most characteristic yearning as human beings--our desire to be loved--love, an inner necessity to freedom. When are we most free (and not the freedom that plays itself out in angst-y rebellion and selfishness)? I think about the times  when I have been most free to share what exactly I am thinking and feeling without thinking twice about whether the other person will judge me or think differently of me. I know those people who, no matter what I say, do, or reveal in the confidence of a conversation over coffee or whatever the occasion may be, will never stop loving me or think worse of me. My soul flies at those moments in sharing my thoughts or struggles--I can stand open and share my truest self without thinking twice or hesitating because there is some inner certainty that no matter what I say, they will never stop truly loving me. That to me is the moment in which the Holy Spirit is fully present,  those moments and relationships in which God is freely allowed to be present and work His Will. The way in which we can stand before God fully ourselves is because He is our eternal, merciful Lover. When someone on Earth represents and lives out that unending love of God with us, then so that "I" is free to be completely itself. I am free to stand naked in all my strength and struggles and still be loved. I am free because of the love. I am "I" because I am free, and loved. That is why the "I" means Freedom and the Freedom means Friendship. That is why its all about love. 

And this evening. It was just a little space in time in which the "I", Freedom, Friendship, and Love we had just discussed, was incarnated. My friend didn't just smile, tell me some superficial news on the recent events in her life and move on, guarding herself and leaving her problems for her to carry alone. She trusted me. She saw me as a friend who would love her no matter what. And act on that love by carrying her with me in prayer. She knew she could be her "I" with me. 

This "I", I have realized, is what I have come to cherish in the past 13 months. Not only this friend's but many of my friends with whom I share those bittersweet moments. I once read the following quote which seems to put it just how I would have liked to:

 {I'm not fascinated by people who smile all the time. What I find interesting is the way people look when they are lost in thought, when their face becomes angry or serious, when they bite their lip, the way they glance, the way they look down when they walk, when they are alone and smoking a cigarette, when they smirk, the way they half smile, they way they try and hold back tears, the way when their face says they want to say something but can't, the way they look at someone they want or love....I love the way people look when they do these things. It's....beautiful} 

This "I" has raised my understanding of "beauty" to a new dimension. I have gotten to see so many PEOPLE. really. the person as he or she is. and every time it is as a new discovery, a new burst of gratitude springing open in my heart. a new understanding of what it means to stand in the presence of a God who is Love, and to meet His Holy Spirit in those friends He alone has lovingly given me, and me to them. For whom He has called me to be His presence, and in whom He is incarnated in their mysterious beauty.