painting the walls

29. dezember

                I have no patience. And yet, stroke after stroke, God is painting patience on the walls of my soul, the walls of the room I bid Him to dwell within so that through His presence in me I can be filled with His love and allow it to overflow into the souls of all those I meet. It is as if this time of waiting is the time in which He is scrubbing, sweeping, mopping the floors, washing and repainting the walls, refurbishing the appliances, redecorating the rooms of my soul so as to make His dwelling fit for His awesome glory. I must be patient because outwardly it seems as if I am doing nothing here, merely passing the days praying and waiting and trying to keep myself ready for the day when He calls me to more explicit work. Only with patience can my eyes be opened to all that is going on in this seemingly empty waiting period. I must endure the time it takes for Him to empty my soul of all that is against or other than Him, to clean every crevice of my soul so that He can then fill it with His presence. I must have patience because it is in this time that He fills me with faith in Him, a faith with the color of passion and the permeating fragrance of peace. If I am to trust in Him, I must have patience. And in waiting, being still while the Lord cleans and prepares, it is actually a movement towards a goal. As of yet, the waiting, the standing still is in fact the moving forward, the few next necessary steps on the path God is leading me. To where? That is yet to be revealed. It is a temptation to think that I am here helping no one. Sitting in my room, learning German while I ice and elevate my ankle over and over again, I think of all the people I could be meeting, all the exploring of Vienna I could be doing, all the adoration in Stephansdom I could be doing, all the other activities that would seem like so much more than just sitting here, praying, learning German, eating, praying some more, reading about Austrian culture, and writing to you. I anxiously anticipate what lies ahead, but I know I must take this time to learn how to embrace the present moment; how to be receptive to all that the Lord is doing and wants to do within me, in stillness, in silence; how to live fully these moments without wishing them past so that I can get onto seemingly more important things. This is waiting is not meant to be completely passivity. My body may be resting but my soul must be actively open, constantly opening the door to God to allow him to teach me, to cleanse me, to prepare the room of my soul for ever more and more of Him. I must wait, and I think maybe the waiting is progress itself because while I am still, the Lord continues to move. And so I wait, we wait, here in Vienna, while the Lord is preparing things yet unseen.

            And among these things yet unseen, I hope He is also working on something Alina and I have seen…and something which calls forth from us more patience than either one of us thought we would have to have…our new apartment.

            We are still living with Monika…which is SUCH a blessing. She is a wonderful woman  and now after the initial period of time to get comfortable with one another I find myself laughing constantly and genuinely enjoying myself when she is around. We spent Christmas in different places and three days seemed like an eternity. Now, just yesterday, she left for Medjugorje to celebrate the New Year and I was so sad to see her go! I know that when we finally get to move out, it will be bittersweet!

            But…back to the apartment. During the first week I had the chance to tour our new home. One word to describe it… Potential. It is huge, and beautiful, and dirty, and empty, and some (rather important) rooms are in bad shape. It is connected to a beautiful old Carmelite church, conveniently called Karmeliterkirche, and our neighbors are 4 lovely nuns in a new community, the Little Sisters of the Lamb.

            Alina and I are very positive, much due to the fact that the Lord has already given us so much…we do not yet have the key to the apartment and still we have gotten a bed, a loveseat, a chair, an assortment of pots and pans and kitchen utensils and silverware, and some bed and bath linens all donated to us by friends we have already made! And through other lovely friendships, we have been advised of a place that is like a Goodwill, but everything is free for you to take! (We have yet to figure out how this really works, but Ill keep you posted).

            Here are some pictures. The apartment is 5 rooms, a bathroom, and a toilette closet. One room is for us (and any future woman missionaries who come join us), another for the kitchen, another for the living room, another for an office, and another for a guest room (Fr. Jacques’ room when he is with us). We had a meeting with the priest responsible for this building and church and he said that the diocese will surely fix the bathroom and kitchen as much as is necessary. Before we can get the key and start cleaning and such (the living room had a fireplace/stove in it, hence the black soot all over the walls), we have to meet with the man in charge of all the buildings in the diocese, sign a lease agreement, and make the necessary arrangements for repairs with him. And for this, we have to wait for the new year. So we wait.

half of the die Wohnzimmer.
the door on the left leads to the office

the office looking into die Gastezimmer (guestroom) while standing
in the doorway to the Wohnzimmer.
 the door to the left is out to the hallway

so obviously needs a bit of work...like a new wall and appliances and cabinets...
but all in all its a wonderful, big kitchen!!
(the door leads out into the hallway.
if you go out this door, to the left would be die Badezimmer,
and straight ahead would be the door to our zimmer.) 

none of these work. bummer.

our zimmer. that has, as you can see, been cleaned and repainted.
the furniture you see is not ours...and was taken out that day.
but in came a bed and the promise of a sofa and chair...so the Lord is good.
and I sent a Christmas List to Him...

            But we wait in complete thanksgiving because this apartment is free (minus possibly having to pay for water/electric/gas/telephone/internet). It is in the 2^nd Bezirk (district), a 15 minute walk from Stephansdom and the rest of the city center, it is huge, beautiful and in need of only a few minor repairs, connected to a church, and did I mention…we don’t pay rent. We absolutely don’t deserve how the Lord has already taken such good care of us…it is surely all His grace! And we have everything to continue to hope for because He never fails.

            So before we can move into the apartment and start the physical foundation of the new Offenes-Herz, we must knock, wait for God to open the door, and then get to cleaning, washing, sweeping, mopping, dusting, painting our new apartment…just as God is doing with our souls.

The following is one of my favorite writings of St. Augustine…and a must to post along with all my meanderings. All my words are ash compared to the enlightened message of this saint…

'Our Heart Longs for God' 

from St. Augustine's Sermon on 1 John

“The entire life of a good Christian is in fact an exercise of holy desire. You do not yet see what you long for, but the very act of desiring prepares you, so that when he comes you may see and be utterly satisfied.

            Suppose you are going to fill some holder or container, and you know you will be given a large amount. Then you set about stretching your sack or wineskin or whatever it is. Why? Because you know the quantity you will have to put in it, and your eyes tell you there is not enough room. By stretching it, therefore, you increase the capacity of the sack, and this is how God deals with us. Simply by making us wait he increases our desire, which in turn enlarges the capacity of our soul, making it able to receive what is to be given to us.

            So, my brethren, let us continue to desire, for we shall be filled.

            Take note of Saint Paul stretching as it were his ability to receive what is to come: Not that I have already obtained this, he said, or am made perfect. Brethren, I do not consider that I have already obtained it. We might ask him, “If you have not yet obtained it, what are you doing in this life?” This one thing I do, answers Paul, forgetting what lies behind, and stretching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the prize to which I am called in the life above. Not only did Paul say he stretched forward, but he also declared that he pressed on toward a chosen goal. He realized in fact that he was still short of receiving what no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived.

            Such is our Christian life. By desiring heaven we exercise the powers of our soul. Now this exercise will be effective only to the extent that we free ourselves from desires leading to the infatuation with this world. Let me return to the example I have already used, of filling an empty container. God means to fill each of you with what is good; so cast out what is bad! If he wishes to fill you with honey and you are full of sour wine, where is the honey to go? The vessel must be emptied of its contects and then be cleansed. Yes, it must be cleansed even if you have to work hard and scour it. It must be made fit for the new thing, whatever it may be.

            We may go on speaking figuratively of honey, gold, and wine—but whatever we say we cannot express the reality we are to receive. The name of that reality is God. But who will claim that in that one syllable we utter the full expanse of our heart’s desire? Therefore, whatever we say is necessarily less than the full truth. We must extend ourselves toward the measure of Christ so that when he comes he may fill us with his presence. Then we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.”