a lot of times getting to the computer, with adequate bandwidth, and free time is exactly what I want, but not what is possible. if I happen to be so lucky and have my journal and a working pen within reachable distance and don't happen to be on some moving form of transportation and in a peaceable enough mood to write--i write. with the intention of sharing. its not that I am selfish. its that I can come up with a million excuses to cram this blogpost with...but lets stop that now. pretty much im just trying to tell you that in the desert of inspirational dryness (lack due to myself/state of mind/exhaustion, not a lack of miraculous and wonderful things to write about) in which I was living for the past 6 months (hence the either lack of writing or posts consisting entirely of photographs), the Holy Spirit did manage to squeeze through my lack of receptivity and help me catch a handful of beautiful moments with words. hence, although they happened long ago (several months) I am writing them in the present. just as they are written in my journal, intended for your hearts, as the true heavenly Presents they were to me.
Yesterday I was with Mathilde at Ines's concert in Votivkirche. She is very talented--her voice ringing among the group of 30-some-odd other blessed singers, filling the gothic church with the sounds you imagine people enjoy in heaven. But even better than the concert was afterwards--when she invited us to her apartment for tea.
We lit candles on the kitchen table in her little, dimly lit apartment. Huddling around our steaming mugs of "Glück Tea" and the warmth of the tea lights, we slowly draped on scarf after sweater after blanket, keeping just warm enough in her unheated apartment for three hours of asking questions, discussing life experiences, and sharing our journeys--learning one another.
She is from Portugal and after doing a social project here last year in Vienna helping in a school with the children, she decided to stay, spend full time hours babysitting and enjoying her life in Vienna, till she moves on. She shares the flat with two others that are merely names to me--names I can't remember even though still pictured in my mind are the names written in black marker on the chore wheel hung on her kitchen cabinet. Ines was in charge of cleaning the floors this week.
She is a very restful spirit--open and warm and welcoming as if the love she radiates fills her so much that there is no space for distance, rules, or staunchness. Just noticing her ears--each one home to a different earring which are in no way matching--tells you that her spirit is free and lives imbibed with freedom and openness.
But what her earrings don't tell me is what each question she phrased, every story she told, every glance or inflection of her voice hinted at--her SEARCH. for truth, beauty, God, the spiritual, love at its core, the eternal, faith. She is thirsty-in a way that each cup of hot coconut tea with a few drops of delicious Austrian milk can never quench.
How did you meet him?
Christ, I mean.
Why do you believe?
What is your faith like?
Do you ever doubt?
Asking Mathilde about wanting to be a lay consecrated member of Heart's Home--how can you imagine not having kids or a husband?
and what struck me the most:
"If you believe God is always present, do you ever feel lonely?"
I wanted to jump our of my seat and scream it so loud...
YES! all the time.
sure, he's there...but HE'S HIDING. and I am so lonely.
Yeah, He's always there. Cosmologically speaking you are never alone--but still, you feel alone sometimes.
I think she was a little taken aback by my answer. by my bluntness.
And then as I was explaining to her how lonely I have felt being here--among many of my struggles, Mathilde spoke up and simply added--Yeah, AND THATS FAITH.
And I realized that through all this loneliness, sometimes downright leading me into such darkness, I don't give up as much as I always threaten myself, or sometimes as often as I would like--because there is something immovable grounding me here. Something that I won't question no matter what other questions I have.
My belief in His existence.
My trust in the Church as His Bride.
that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life--MY way, MY truth, MY life.
But the question only stops there if you are easily convinced. which neither Ines, nor I, am, in fact.
So, WHY? Why am I so convicted of these things?
BEAUTY ...beauty revealed to me the Truth after piercing me with its arrow. it was and is the splendor of truth.
but, where was, where is this beauty?
in
...the smile of someone I didn't know.
...the understanding of someone helping me.
...the beauty of another's conviction
...the tears of love, joy
...the peace in faith
...the strength and courage
...of people.
The beauty came through friendship.
The beauty was friendship.
The beauty is friendship.
which then pierced my heart with desire.
and which now always pierces my heart with a desire, but even more than that, with a renewed conviction.
I am lonely. I said--in what I have experienced spiritually in the recent past--if I didn't have a deeper faith and conviction that outlasted feelings and comforts, than I would be deep in despair. I would doubt the existence of God. He has hid Himself very well.
But, the conviction that remains, remains exactly because of this giving, thirsty, beautiful, scared, soft friend. The beauty of her search, her heart, her example. her presnce, her friendship. It takes me back to the beauty of those friends who I met who lead me to first meet this conviction.
And it is this new friend who leads me deeper.
Her beauty makes me hold on, makes me DIG.
and in the midst of darkness...
in the absence...
in the loneliness...
her presence brings me the presence of the most high...
and HOPE.
At that kitchen table--shivering next to our tea light campfire talking about pasts, presents, futures, scars, dreams, men, God, friends, family, vocations, universes, husbands, habits, hairstyles.....I experienced something I hadn't in a long time....
...my heart started burning.
there lies Passion.
in friendship.
in the presence of another.
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