(Vienna, Musik Verein)
Last Friday evening I received an amazing gift from my friend Tomoko. Through a friend of hers who plays violin in the Vienna Philharmoniker, she received two tickets to Musik Verein, the most famous cultural venue (next to the Opera house) in Vienna--the City of Music. The tickets belong to this man for the entire season (something called Abonnements--which means he belongs to the musik verein society) and are therefore not available to purchase. I sat in a seat that only remains open when the man himself is playing on the stage with his philharmonic colleagues--which on this particular evening, he was. At the 10th row, 10th seat, directly behind the conductor--the very famous, German Christian Thieleman--I got to experience the splendor of the Vienna Philharmoniker playing Schumann's Symphonies and Fantasies in the great hall!
(afterwards--an Imperial Torte and a glass of wine in the Imperial Hotel)
By the last pieces--Schumann's Symphony No. 4 (listen here--> MIT Video - Schumann, Symphony No. 4 in d minor)--I was enraptured. Never have I experienced music like this. Overwhelmed I closed by eyes, opened my hands on my lap and just received. Full of gratitude. Overwhelmed with gratitude.
For the music. Schumann.
the seats. the man who owned them.
Tomoko. the generosity she teaches me.
VIenna.
this year and a half.
God.
Listening to his 4. Symphony ring my thoughts flowed back over memories of the last year and a half. How could I stop them...this was, in fact, my first hint of goodbye. Tomoko's way of sending me off. The cherry on top of a beautiful year of knowing one another.
Wandering through the images of friendships and experiences in the past 18 months I was overwhelmed by the beauty, gratitude, the humility of being loved and given so much.
After the concert I couldn't stop thanking Tomoko--I was beaming with happiness for this experience, for this gift
Yet, the more I said thank you, the more superficial it seemed. And finally I realized no words would suffice to declare my gratitude.
I felt so poor before such grandeur. Before being given so much. "Thank you" or "Danke" were just so empty in comparison to what they referred to.
It was difficult to accept -- the pain of this beauty which is in fact, the pain of love.
It is the pain of infinite debt.
No one likes to be in debt. We are so used to paying back what is given to us, trying to come to terms with someone, trying to be even. We are always taught to balance everything, to make sure everything is even. And that to owe someone something steals your independence and freedom. NEVER OWE ANYONE, NEVER BE IN DEBT TO ANYONE.
Thats what I am worldly used to--giving in return.
But something was different after this concert. Something is different after these 18 months of receiving so much and finding myself so poor and completely unable to pay back all the things I have received, all the things people have given me. All the things YOU ALL have given me.
Arriving at the 2 week mark for the end of my mission--this isn't just a story about finding it hard to say thank you to someone. This is my reality--standing in front of Tomoko, every friend I have made here, and each one of you, and ultimately standing before God, having my heart burst with such gratitude and love, standing and accepting the debt I owe to each one of you and Him that I will NEVER EVER be able to repay in kind or amount -- and to be so thankful for this debt, to be able to realize this debt and to be able to accept it--because this debt is at the core of LOVE.
This seems to be one of the biggest issues as I am getting closer to leaving--
"How do I tell everyone adequately how thankful I am for what they have done for me??" I feel like I can't leave until each person can feel the gratitude that I feel in my heart. Till they are convinced of how thankful I am.
But there are never enough words or actions that can present that to another. Because in way, if they understood--if you were really able to fully express your gratitude--the debt would diminish or be paid back. And it would be merely an exchange between investors rather than a relationship of love.
I was discussing this with Magda, the mother of the boy I give English lessons to once a week. In her simplicity and straightforwardness she shared with me a truth that she herself learned in her own experiences in her early 20's.
She said that when we receive such great gifts--friendship, teaching, prayer, love, support (even materially, especially monetarily)--a thank you is never enough.
Our words seem empty, unable to express the profound gratitude that wells up in us.
And the words are empty in a way to the one to whom they are directed. They don't convince enough.
But that is exactly the point.
She liked it to the love of a mother and child. A mother's love is unmeasured, infinitely deep, giving all and always without question or consideration.
This love is not meant to be "paid back". A mother isn't waiting for the child to grow up and pay her back for every moment and every gift. A mother isn't waiting for the child to return all her love and selflessness to her. No mother will ever tell you that her love for her child is about reciprocity.
Magda explained that it is in fact the case that the mother awaits the moment when her love BEARS MORE LOVE. The gratitude is so profound that it evokes a greater desire to love FURTHER. The gratitude is so profound because it is meant to provoke the child to pass it on. To love is friends, the other members of the family, the world, the animals (whatever you want to fill in that blank) and ultimately to provoke that child to love his or her OWN children with the strength of the love he had received from his mother.
The love isn't meant to work in circles between two people giving and receiving and focusing, closed in on one another--it is meant to bear fruit.
Its about building a chain of love.
And this motherly love...it doesn't start at the mother, or her mother, or her mother's mother. It doesn't start at a human level.
"We love, because He first loved us" {John 4:19}
The God that created us, filled us with love through His love asks us to keep spreading the chain of love further.
What is overwhelming is exactly that in order to give us the passion to love further, unconditionally.
so what started out as about a good seat in a concert is, in fact, so much deeper.
its about me being here, you being there (wherever you are) and building further this chain of love.
I couldn't stay where I was. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that I had to come here, to Vienna, to show people love. to spread it further.
You were so overwhelmed with gratitude for love that you supported me, my life here, the life of Heart's Home in Vienna, in order to bring people love. to spread what you have received further.
So my time here is coming to an end. Two weeks left.
And I "Thank You"--not with those seemingly empty words, but those words as signs of what I promise to do...to keep living the love that you have helped make possible. No matter where the next step in life takes me, I am so thankful for all that you have done to pass the love you have experienced on through your spiritual and financial support of my presence here in Vienna. And I ask you as well, in whatever new ways you discover everyday, to keep building this chain of love. For its the only way to show our infinite gratitude.
To love and be loved. fully.
There is no ending. There are only new links. New beginnings leading us farther.
